person: do you have tumblr?
me: yes
person: whats your url?
me: no

I want short hair again. And a leather jacket. And abs.

I’m beginning to hate six am.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. It’s been hard for me this year. I spent a lot of time regretting my choice to serve and hating what I felt I was being forced to do. I didn’t want the pressure and the expectations. I didn’t want to renounce control of my life.

I felt like this was all wrong. I understood that tests were part of life but why did God have anything to do with it? The Faith is beautiful and it makes more sense than anything else I had ever encountered but why did God have to be part of it? Couldn’t a normal human have written all this? Certainly, there are normal humans now reading it and taking action.

I remember trying to logic it out, trying to find a way to hold onto a proof of God. I couldn’t find one. Not one that held up after scrutiny. And it occurred to me that, that was the point.

I’m never going to find a real solid proof that God exists in this world, maybe after I’ve died but there’s no way for me to know that now. And that is my personal struggle. Faith in God is just that and there is no proof. That’s why it’s called faith.

I’ve been known to make emotional choices but I am mostly a logical person. I spend a good deal of time contemplating my decisions and I try to choose the best one. But to take something purely on faith is difficult.

I’m still struggling. I love the Faith and everything that it embodies. It makes more sense and does more good than anything I have ever encountered but… I don’t know how to deal with this difficulty. I’m not sure how to rekindle faith.